I never believed one should control their feelings. I always thought one should just release their feelings and not try to restrain it. But I admit I did it myself. And sure I would continue to do it. I was always afraid that during the time we are together, I develop a relationship with other people. Though it never happened, and it was unlikely to happen in the near future, too. But I was to quench any sparkle of such feelings even when I thought someone has only liked me! I know it was stupid to be such sensitive about this, and it is not what I think is true. It was undue at that level. But I knew it would make you sad. Because I had seen that you were afraid of me even having sex with someone; which would not do any harm to us. But you were afraid. You were sad. I couldn't see you sad, my darling. I gladly and willingly decided not to do it. For you. And for me. Because your sadness is my sadness too, and I couldn't –and still can't– stand your sadness. So I couldn't even think of letting my possible feelings to other people develop something between me and them that would hurt you. Again I know it is not “rational”. But, after all, you were enough for me. What else did I want? You were great. My heart was calm with you. It was simply, and beautifully enough.
I never let myself do something that I knew would break your heart. And I never will... u'h...
[speechless]...
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