Is there a third way around?

*** THIS POST CAN BE DISTURBING. PLEASE DON'T READ IT IF YOU'RE NOT SURE ***

Why the world is so cruel? I'm not that strong. I want to be, but I'm not. As time passes, I conclude again and again that I really can't stand all of that pain until the natural end of my life. I have thought about committing suicide many times. I think of it more seriously each time I break. I know it's stupid, I know it doesn't make anything better, and I'm probably not gonna do it, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Today, I felt broken so bad. I cried a lot. I almost felt those naked wires which would be wrapped around my arms. I imagined myself pressing the button attached to the wire, which would already be connected to a power outlet. It would be painful, but I would definitely be dead a few seconds after pressing that button. Perhaps I wouldn't feel anything after that point. But, what would happen outside me, if I kill myself?

My family would probably learn about the incident after a few days. They would call me and then probably come here or send neighbors in, after they realized there is no one to answer the phone. After finding me dead, my mother would certainly pass out. She may even have a heart attack which may kill her. If she even survived, she would probably go insane, as my father would. My brother would be shocked. He may likely become very depressed. Furthermore, he would have to deal with two miserable, mentally ill parents who would probably grow old quickly because of the pain. Besides, there are a few people around who may blame themselves for this, because they may think they may have hurt me so much and made me do this (Though they would be wrong. It would be no one's fault). They would anyways become depressed after hearing the news.

I'm not an irresponsible person. I'm not selfish either. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to cause additional pain and discomfort in the world just for (probably) relieving myself. This is the most important reason why I haven't committed suicide so far. I would probably be dead long ago if I could remove myself from the memory of those who know me.

I said "probably relieving myself". I don't believe in reincarnation, god(s), soul or any other supernatural idea. But what if they were true? Especially reincarnation. What if I'm born again if I kill myself? In a body who knows where and when, and in what personality? Well, my current life is painful enough that I consider continuing it worthless, but I'm almost content with the way I have behaved so far. I'm not an innocent person. Like any other human, I have done some "bad" things; something I regret having done. But I have really always tried to be a "good" person, and do as little "evil" as possible. Now what if I'm born as a serial killer, or a really horrible person, and live my whole life in pain and guilt? As I know, those people are more abundant than "good" people. I know this is a stupid way of thinking, but I think it's really worth considering when it comes to such important decisions.

So, I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to be born again (if it's true). But I can't stand the pain I'm feeling now either. What can I do? Any idea?

I just hope I won't become too weak to tolerate the pain, so that I can still think and decide. I hope I won't reach a point at which I may do things without thinking, just because of suffering. I'm trying so hard to keep my mind sane. I hope I won't lose it one day.