no love for me

I'm not depressed, at least not as I was a couple of weeks ago. But I feel lonely, miserable, pathetic and disliked.

No one loves me. people have their own lovers. I'm not an option. I may only be considered as an option when there are no alternatives. If I'm even an option, I'm always the fallback one. Even then, I remain an option as long as the condition holds true, that is, until an alternative option is found. Because any alternative is better than me.

I feel like a place for lonely people. A free hotel, maybe. They stay here and are received well, until they find some better place (which they will eventually find), maybe their permanent home. Then they will leave this free hotel for the better place. Fairly natural.

Well, this may seem like a teenagerish nagging, but I have seriously thought about it, and I found that it's true, and it's because I'm really unlovable. Because no one can stand me the way I am. I'm not what people want. That is normally not a problem, but the problem begins when I fall in love with someone, or someone think they have fallen in love with me.

Again the first case is not that bad, because it will probably lead to a one-way love, which means I won't expect anything from them and try to prevent any attachment toward them in me. So probably nothing too painful will happen.

But the second case is where things get complicated. It is usually beautiful in the beginning, especially if I love them too, but things will change dramatically when they find an alternative. And it is even worse when this happens after a long period of mutual attachment. This leads to the realization of "AGONY" for me. Yes, with capitals.

I can say that any person who thinks is in love with me is always wrong. The fact is that they may probably grow an interest in me simply because either there is no alternative for them, or they don't know me well yet. Their feelings may be real but they are wrong because they don't know that my personality is not something they (or anyone else) could love. They will find out later. After spending some time with me.

Es gibt keine Liebe (for me!) auf dieser Welt...

...es ist ein Traum, der uns mir gefällt

***

I tried a lot to change for a lover. So that I could be accepted by her. So that I wouldn't lose the place I thought I had in her heart. But that didn't work. I failed so bad. Because she was already fed up with me. I lost her to a new friend of hers easily. Maybe I would lose her to any other person. I wasn't acceptable even with "normalized" characteristics. Now I think anyone else in her place would naturally do the same to me. Any alternative person for them would be simply better than me. No question. The problem is me. I should have completely changed myself. But even if it was possible, there was no guarantee. It could fail again, and I would be left alone with a new personality. I don't know how it would feel like. It would fail anyways. Or more correctly, I would fail anyways...

***

But maybe that's enough of any desperate nagging I had. OK I'm unlovable, but I don't want to be depressed because of it. I want to be happy.

I may never again try to change even for my beloved people just for sake of being accepted by them. I will never again seek a place in any human's heart. I am frustrated with people's pragmatic hearts. I am frustrated with the "real" world. I hate it. I think I would rather call it "the complicated world of humans with fake plastic hearts". Pragmatics make me sick. I want to live in my dreams. I think they can be as real as the "real" world, even more real. I want to realize my dreams.


To my dreams, and anyone else's dreams who want to live in their dreams. To dreams.