4... happiness

I'm going through a massive self-reconstruction. I'm gonna build my "Self" again. There would be a new "me" in the near future. I would probably have similar ideals, similar interests, but my way of seeing and judging things would be different. Here is Self v4.0.0.0 pre-alpha.

There are two possible outcomes to this: Either I'll be able to direct things in the desired direction, or I'll become frustrated soon (in a few years) and end it all. I realized that there is really no way I can continue my life the way I currently am. I am under constant pain and distress. My current Self doesn't work in this world. Maybe it would, if I was born 500 years in the future. But right now, it really doesn't. Right now, I'm only hurting myself, and giving everyone a sense of hatred and disgust toward me by being weak and desperate. I really feel that tendency to avoid me almost in everyone I know.

I need a change. Or, as I prefer to call it, a reconstruction. Because "change" by itself can be anything. It doesn't say anything about the purpose, or direction, while I need a particular type of changing. I need to refresh. I need to clean up the mess I am right now. I need to throw out some ideas and concerns, and reinforce some others. And, most importantly, I need to be happy. Just happy. Without any outside incentive. And not a forced, artificial type of happiness. I need to be genuinely happy from within, regardless of what happens outside me. Of course, there are always things in life that can make anyone sad, or at least unhappy, but I want to be happy at least when nothing really bad has happened. Also, when there is nothing outside me to make me happy. I want to be happy, even when not made happy.

A few years ago, this seemed an utterly stupid idea to me. Even now, I don't have a really good idea of how to do it... how to be really happy from within. But now, as stupid as it may seem, I think I really need it. So I have the motivation and I'm gonna give it a serious try: Be happy, and see what happens.