It's an impasse.
It's too complicated for me to understand. No matter how many hours I spend thinking about it: I can't find any answer. Every once in a while I decide not to think about it for a while so I can recover a bit from depression, and then think about it again later when I'm in a better situation. But even then I can't manage to understand it. I found that even thinking about it makes me wanna die. Because I absolutely hate the world in which such things happen.
Not thinking about it isn't an option either, because it's the reality. I
don't want to escape reality. It's meaningless to do so. I might be
"happier" if i didn't think about it at all, But having a "happy" life
isn't as important to me as having a meaningful life. I want meaning. I
want things to make sense. Then I will be happy too. REALLY happy. I
can't be happy in a delusional life in which I can't understand
anything...
So I'll keep thinking about it, and still every time I do, it's like running into a dead-end street: I don't know where to go. Maybe there is really nowhere.
You said "C'est la vie". Maybe yes that's really what life is, but I wish it was a little bit less meaningless. And ugly.
PS. Either I will find some meaning somewhere, or I will die looking for it. Giving up doesn't make sense either.
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